crack a window please

I actually blog more, than it appears on your screen. Sometimes I tuck my thoughts and words away for awhile, or just never publish them at all. You see, I’m never sure if I should share something publically or not. And in this case, it was written during a really challenging down time. A couple months of real, raw struggle and pain. I don’t want people to have pity on my struggles, yet I don’t want to hide them – because too often people only see the rosy side of things, and let me tell you — it’s not all sunshine and roses over here. Promise. 😉 I decided these struggles needed to be shared; because I’m certain there must be someone out there that really needs to read these words. Perhaps just maybe, God intended them for YOU. And what a great reminder for myself as well. <3

Last week we left another doctor appointment with our little girl, who continues to fight a disease that is slowly eroding her little body. Hearing the doctor speaks words he hopes will be of encouragement: “You did the right thing, bringing her into your family.” And you know he too, sees a future that looks possibly dim and bleak.

On the drive home, I felt the heavy weight on my heart. I long for just a small glimmer of hope. “Lord, I don’t know if I, if we, can take anymore!  It hurts too much, Lord we’re drowning and there seems to be no end in sight!” “You brought us here, you still provide, but I’m positive the oxygen is being squelched from my lungs. Crack a window please, or open a door so we can walk through. Lord, can you hear us?”

A couple weeks ago, our Pastor pulled apart a verse we so often misquote: “My God will supply all your needs” We too often leave out the last part “according to His purpose(His plan, His way.)

As a believer in Jesus Christ, I too often get so comfortable in my own padded pew, while my weekly schedule almost becomes predictable to a T. I begin to start feeling a false since of control – like this life is a simple walk in the park, with showers of goodness pouring down into my every day life, day after day. Forgetting Who was The One providing the showers of blessings in the first place.

I know for myself, when things are going well, and the future looks bright – my mind tends to swerve a little on the dangerous side, where a false sense of self-control comes seeping through my veins. Human sin nature.

No one was promised a rose garden, or a comfortable place to lay our heads at night. No one. And for some reason, we often feel like we are entitled to this kind of security – but in reality we’re not! I know I have done NOTHING that gives me the rights to live in a free country, to own a beautiful home, to be married to an amazing man, and be mother to 7 wonderful children, to able to eat foods that nourishes my body, to have clean drinking water…so on and so forth. The fact is, I don’t deserve any of this! None of it.

Over the course of the last few months God has been continually working in, and on my heart. I knew I had many things to learn, and knew God would bring more things to the surface once we brought our 6 year old daughter home. Big mountain tops, and triumphs don’t ever come easily. I  just never expected so much pain, so much grief, or the amount of tears I would cry, and yet still feel held by the creator of the Universe, the Savior of my soul. I often find myself feeling like an Israelite questioning God at every corner and turn – forgetting quickly the miracles that were before my eyes just months or days before.

People ask us “Why?”  As if to clarify, “why would did you bring this struggle, this child, these unknown health issues into your perfectly normal peaceful lives?” “You’re the ones that ultimately said yes.”

And it’s true. They are SO right! We did ultimately say “YES, we will!” Believe me when I say, we were thinking things through, thoroughly; we over and over again tried to change our own minds, thinking logically, looking forward to the possible future outcomes – and STILL we couldn’t blatantly disobey the God we say we trust. Especially after opening our hands fully to whatever He chose to glorify himself through us.

No Believer is promised such goodness – in fact we’re told we will face many trials, tribulations and persecutions in this earthly life. These will be the refining fire that cleanses us, breaks us, molds us and helps us grow our Faith strong.

I am learning that, God may not always give me what I THINK I need, but He will ALWAYS give me what I need to glorify Him. Always. (Something out Pastor had quoted. And a good reminder.)

So as I sob and pray,

“Lord help me continue onward. Steadfast and sure.

Your will.

Your way.

Your timing.

Still faithfully yours.”


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