for real, for always

We’ve been learning more and more about our new 6 year old daughter. The language barrier has been a big challenge for us, and for her. As hard as we tried to crunch our Mandarin learning skills over the last 8 months – it came time to adopt our girl. It honestly hasn’t been as challenging as first anticipated though. With the help of hand gestures, some sign language, and modern technology it’s been a lot easier in some ways than I had expected. Translation apps are such a helpful aid when adopting an older child!  As does the good old pointer finger!  😉

The biggest struggle right now has probably been the doctor appointments. They’ve had to come much sooner than we had originally hoped or planned. But there were some major concerns that needed addressed immediately. And as hard as it has been, we’re thankful we moved forward with them promptly. We went into her adoption knowing there were scary things and many unknowns. So we are not surprised about anything, just humbled that God chose US to be her family. In a heartbeat, we would do this all over again! It’s already been a huge learning curve. And we’ve seen each member in our family grow in some way or another.

It’s been a new experience for all of us, especially me as the Momma in the bonding department. 🙂 It’s hard when your child goes back and forth with their love button turning it “on” and “off”.  Its a little harder when you can’t just pick up, and cuddle your little bundle like a newborn, simply because of their size. It’s harder, but still very rewarding in other ways. We know it’s part of the process. Especially with our daughter being older.

 

 

The day of our little girls first doctor appointment home was a struggle – Adie was uptight, looked worried like she was about to burst into tears. Using the translation app on my phone – I and asked her “Is something wrong?” “Are you scared?” “Why are you so sad?” Come to find out, our little girl was frightfully scared I wasn’t going to bring her back home with me! 🙁 That moment, I was able to hold her, give her a hug, and use my app to confirm that she was MOST definitely coming home with me! It’s moments like these that deeply puncture your soul. But our big girl was so brave and she smiled the rest of the day – through the whole appointment, scans and all!

Adie’s still learning, and grieving the loss of familiarity in her own way. My Momma heart had been hurting much too. The adoption journey has many ups and downs. Each child learns to cope, to grieve, to trust in their own ways. And just when I thought my heart was starting to break…she would reach out to hold my hand. It’s a process. One little step at a time. She’s not had a mommy for so long, she just doesn’t know what Mommies do yet. Though she’s over the mountain top excited we’re hers. She’s still learning about us. And that’s totally okay! It will come in time.

We’ll just be over here waiting and praying for the tide to turn – when she finally realizes this is for REAL! We are HER Mom and Dad, HER family for real! This LOVE is unconditional! She may have pushed us away yesterday, but there’s a hug waiting, if she’s ready for it today.

This hard core, down right deep love, reminds me of God’s continual, unconditional love for us. Its honestly how I’ve been getting through some of these days of rejection. Humbling to think such a thought. How God’s love is JUST LIKE THIS. He doesn’t give up on us. Just keeps showing us and teaching us. <3

 

So my Momma heart prays one day soon, my daughter will not only see; but KNOW….

 

“It’s real, sweet girl.”

 

“It’s okay, let go, this is the real deal!”

 

“I’m here sweetie. Whenever you’re ready to surrender and receive my love.”

 

“You don’t have to play strong anymore – go ahead cry on my shoulder.”

 

“You’re worthy. You’re worth it!”

 

“We’d do this ALL over and again, just to make you part of our family.”

 

“Jesus has great plans for you – we don’t now what that may be yet, but its going to be beautiful!”

 

“You’re ours forever, and we’re yours forever, REALLY!”

 

“Mama ai ni shen shen”  (Momma loves you deeply.)

 

But oh, how Jesus loves you MORE.

 

As I sat in the hospital room for another test to be run on our girl, I’m certain my heart was close to shattering when I leaned over to my daughter to give her a hug, when all of a sudden she pushed my arms away.  But in that very moment something happened! Wait, what is this? She climbs in my lap and leans in for a snuggle, and allows me to capture such a moment with my phone. On her own terms, in her own way. It was beautiful.

Thank you, Jesus… my heart feels full again!

Sweet Adie Mei – this is for real, for always.