heart dissasembled

 

I have been breathing borrowed air.
I am no longer who I use to be.
I struggle daily to love like Jesus.
Daily I ask, why did we choose this?
The pain of losing, yet gaining, plays with my soul.
Moment by moment I feel the real struggle; die to self.
My heart has been invaded with the faces of children, who aren’t mine – who haven’t been claimed, by anyone.
We’re asked“why?” “Why would you do this?”
One minute, my heart bursts with exuberant joy.
The next, my heart breaks into millions of pieces, as tears invade my face.
It’s true,
my heart has been, disassembled.

 

Monday rolled around – I was still so desperately trying to regain ground after an almost week long stay in the children’s hospital, after one of my daughters was rushed by ambulance – later to find a severe case of Pneumonia would be the cause of such a frightening chaos and clamor. A new week of appointments were beginning, I loaded up my two girls who were scheduled for appointments hours away. We left before the sun broke through the clouds. I was already worn from the week and days before. My mind could barely function. We walked into the clinic to check in. I told the lady behind the counter “Hello, we’re here for our first appointment at 1.”  When the lady behind the desk asked me “what time did you say your appointment was again?” I was confused, and repeated “1pm”.  She looked up from her computer and said “I’m sorry Ma’am, it looks like your appointments were scheduled for Wednesday, not Monday!”

I’m sure my face eluded some form of confusion when I asked, “Seriously?!” She had to repeat what the schedule looked like on her computer screen.  My worst fear came to fruition!  I knew it was bound to happen, one of these days! It was just a matter of time and fate. I was doomed either way. Too many appointments to try and keep up with. Right there and then, the waters were about to rise! My eyes were swelling, and I could barely keep the flood gates closed! I’m sure, the lady could see the desperation in my face, let alone the shaking voice, when my mouth finally uttered a pitiful yet painful woah is me: “I can’t believe it! We drove 5.5 hours….. for nothing.”

(We were able finally able to be squeezed in, thankfully God saw fit to do this for us!)

 

 

We have been going from appointment to appointment for weeks! I have spent night after night with little sleep after attending to sick children. I’ve been drowning in laundry and housework and homeschooling, and feeling so empty. A void that often creeps up on me, when life is almost overbearing and spinning out of my control, when I began to lose sight of God’s blessings.  Loneliness begins to lurk it’s way in, I haven’t even had a chance to sit down and have a decent chat or date with my husband in weeks! With long days of work for my husband, and all this chaos called medical thrown in. I haven’t really had a chance lately to do something for myself, my body is worn down. You know, I nice foot soak or having time to paint my nails would be pretty nice right about now. In case you haven’t caught the gist – I’m pretty depleted and wearisome at this moment in my life.

 

I’m often asked “why, did you choose special needs adoption for your life?” Normally this comment or something fairly similar, carelessly falls out of someone’s mouth, when I am in the pit of despair and wearisome. And really, in reality it is a genuine question to ask. I try my hardest not to complain. But truth be told – adoption also has a deep dark side, that often gets ignored. It’s weighing on ones heart and soul. Especially when medical is thrown in. I want to portray a healthy balanced picture about adoption. Yet, I want to focus on the amazing blessing that God gives because of adoption. However what some people don’t realize is – sometimes these blessings and gifts come through lessons learned like: empathy, compassion, service, true love, suffering long with others, dependency alone on the Lord, for daily strength and endurance to finish well. I continue to be humbled in ways, I didn’t think was possible, until I actually stepped into these adoption shoes.

I am thankful. Thankful for a Mighty Father who knows my heart. Knows the daily struggles. Knows the pain I so often carry. Who knows I can’t do this on my own. And who continues to mold my heart after His. Holding tightly to his promises he extends much needed grace. And again reminds me – “You’re not alone. Give me your hand, let’s walk this journey together.

 

And you might actually think I’m crazy when I still say…my husband and I chose this! We’d go through all of this again, because though it’s painful – it’s been SO WORTH IT! The blessings outweigh the burdens we often carry. And some of the blessings won’t be present until we reach Heaven. But we are thankful we chose to listen and obey.

We chose God to be the Lord of our life.
We chose to be used by him, however he saw fit.
We chose to allow him to empty us, so He could refill and replenish our souls.
We chose to show his love to others, even if it came at a cost.
We chose him to be our source of strength.
We chose his ways, to be our ways.
We chose to accept children, who weren’t born by blood, and call them ours.
We chose a difficult path of medical, because all children deserve love and a family, no matter what their medical file says.
We chose adoption, because God chose us.

 

Because of adoption, I began to truly see and understand just how deep and wide the Father’s love is for ME. I have seen over and over again how the Lord redeems a broken heart. I have given more than I ever thought I could give, I have loved with a deeper love, and trust God way more than I ever thought possible. All of this, is only possible with God’s help! Daily, I have the opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus to every singly soul in my home. Why would I trade any of this?

 

 

Nurturing and loving children with special needs, as well as difficult trauma and intuitionalism is hard. I can’t pretend it’s not. The struggle of transparency and trying to explain it to someone else, who hasn’t yet stepped in these shoes, is difficult. There are days that I lay my head on my pillow at night, and I’m just not sure I can do it all over again tomorrow. But there are days, that have no words that have brought me to my knees. Be it through blessing or pain.

 

In the middle of the exhaustion, the chaos and the medical appointments, God is ready to replenish my soul. Gently reminding me, that He continues to equip my husband and I to finish this race strong. All of these struggles and pain have been allowed by God, so that He can receive the glory, for all the great things He has done, and continues to do. My inadequacies, are covered by His grace.

 

I fix my hope upon his promises.
He overcomes the fear and the fight in me.
My suffering cannot compare to the weight of his glory!

 

 

 

He is for me.
He renews me.
He loves me.
Yes, I chose this.
My heart is disassembled and rearranged, for the better.

Thank you, Jesus.

 

 

2 Comments

  1. Beautiful words. Wishing I could be there more.

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